When I’m the Villian

I’m a feeler.

When I walk into a room, I sense how people are feeling.

When I was younger, it used to get inside my head and control how I acted. Once I deliberately focused developing that area of who I am, I grew and learned that I could feel how others feel without being controlled by it. It was a long, growing process. Many people didn’t understand it. They couldn’t understand how I felt so deeply, and would try to tell me Biblical truths on why my emotions were incorrect.

They didn’t ask “why” I felt that way.

If they would’ve taken the time to get to know me, they would’ve learned that people in my past told me I was too sensitive. They would’ve learned that it hurt me how much I could feel others’ emotions. They would’ve learned that others tried to destroy me by using my emotions against me.

The list probably goes on, but it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that now that I’ve grown out of it, I forgot what it was like. I became that person that spoke truth instead of listened to someone.

I’m sure you’re hyper aware of the current crisis of division our world is currently experiencing, and no matter what part of the spectrum you associate with, there is a level of fear associated with it. There are people who are very afraid. Then there was me.

Months ago, I looked at the outcome of the election, decided I didn’t like any possible outcome, and pulled away from it. Don’t get me wrong. I did my research and I voted. But I pulled away from the drama of it all. As the election approached, I continued to distance myself from all the drama. I foresaw the hurt storm coming called “election day” and I disassociated myself from investing my emotions in it and called it “faith.”

Then after election day came and went, I received a text from a friend: “I’m so scared.”

I couldn’t understand. I knew all the Bible verses that tell us not to worry, not to be afraid, that God is in control, etc. etc. I asked her why she was afraid and she elaborated. I got frustrated and decided to tell her more reasons to trust that God is in control. I spent a long time telling her this.

Y’ALL. I MISSED IT.

Because I called my disassociated feelings “faith,” I called my friend’s feelings pointless.

I did to my friend what others had done to me. I hurt her. I caused my friend to feel shame for caring deeply about her friends and her future. I called her emotions sinful.

Me. Sarah. Called someone’s emotions sinful. Yikes.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me. It is absolutely true that God provides. The things I said to my friend were 100% truth, but I missed the point. She didn’t need Bible verses; she needed a hug. She needed someone to sit and cry with her.

But that’s uncomfortable. That means I would need to reassociate my feelings that I spent deliberate time protecting. I intentionally tried to not hurt during this election season, but if I followed through with that, then I’d miss out on caring for the people who truly matter to me.

The next day, I met with her and apologized. I can’t go back and take back what I said and fix it, but I can sit at her feet and apologize for hurting her and making her feel shame. I’m so sorry to everyone who is afraid. I’m so sorry for everyone who has been called nasty names after this election. I weep for the division of our country, and, honestly, our world too.

It seems a little bit like this world is falling apart, but I’d hate for our pride to cause our own relationships to shatter as well. I’m going to fight for my relationships to thrive. Not because I’ll know the right scripture or the right words to say, but because I’m willing to get uncomfortable and bring chips and queso when a friend is sad.

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