I’m starving.

I’m the worst at worshipping God.

Seriously. The worst. It’s me.

On my World Race to 11 countries in 11 months, I discovered how I worshipped God in my unique expression, and I found out how much I loved to pray and study the word in the morning. “Life changing” barely begins to describe the effect.

However, I really missed church. I would attend church in other languages. I could only listen to music on my iPod headphones, little laptop speakers, or tiny speakers. Our worship was always acoustic, acapella or along with some other recording. One month I had access to big speakers, and I nearly cried.

Now I’ve been back in America for almost a year now, and I’ve realized something. Even though I now have church again, I’ve stopped seeking God on my own. I’ve allowed my time spent in small groups, Wednesday night classes, and Sunday morning, be my only spiritual food. I’ve become an American Christian again.

And I hate it.

It’s the equivalent to a husband only speaking to his wife in public places so that others may see it, but never talking to her when they’re alone. That’s not love. That’s a performance.

I’ve wondered why I have no motivation or self-discipline to do this on my own, and, honestly, it’s because I’ve become satisfied with whatever others are feeding me. I don’t feel like I need to feed myself. I don’t feel like I need to grow my personal relationship with God when I’m alone anymore.

I have no uplifting message of encouragement for you. I’m just honestly disgusted with how I’ve allowed laziness to infiltrate the only important relationship I’ve ever had.

So here’s to starting over. Here’s where I begin again. Visiting three┬átimes a week is not enough to have an intimate relationship with anyone, and definitely not with God. Here’s to being dissatisfied with only corporate worship and prayer and lessons. May I never be satisfied again and always strive for more.

Revelation 2:4 “But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.”

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